Dating Tips that Lead to Good Choices

The information below should help you make some good choices. Should you have other questions or concerns after reviewing the information that follows, please don’t hesitate to e-mailme at joanidesch@aol.com. You might also log onto the Interfaith Marriage Web site for additional assistance. The address of this site is www.interfaith. goarch.org by Rev. Fr. Charles Joanides, Ph.D. LMFT

Complementarity

Many couples spend time trying to determine how compatible they are, but few spend an equal amount of time trying to determine how different they are. Confusing as this might seem, I have found that couples who spend time trying to determine the extent to which they are similar, should also spend more time trying to understand their differences – especially with regard to some big issues such as, money, friends, in-laws, career goals, arguing styles, recreation, leisure time, sex, parenting, ethnic and religious backgrounds and personality.

Unfortunately, I have also met my share of these kinds of couples. They got married without looking carefully at some of their big differences, thinking it would be easier to simply get married and figure life out after marriage. But research suggests that’s not the most effective way to cultivate marital satisfaction. Here’s an example of a couple who benefited from examining their big differences more carefully. And while the outcome was hard for them to face, both agreed their decision was for the best.

A few months ago, the following couple called me for a second opinion. He was Greek Orthodox and she was Moslem. According to both partners, they were both “deeply in love with one another.” They both also felt that their love could help them overcome their cultural and religious differences, despite the fact that both had a high connection to their backgrounds.

However, as I respectfully probed and perturbed them with questions, it eventually became apparent to both partners that the differences they shared were so great that it was impossible for them to bridge them. As a result, they decided to end their relationship as friends, rather than postpone an inevitable breakup that would simply get more difficult. Both left this meeting visibly distressed. However, a few months later, he called and informed me that they were both still smarting, but they also believed they had made the correct decision. In the above example, this couple was able to respectfully and bravely face their big differences and make some prayerful, healthy decisions. But what if they had failed to do this? Well, my opinion is that this would have been a huge omission that both would have lived to regret.

So, spend some time examining how different you and your partner are on important matters like ethnicity, religion, sex, communication, arguing style, career goals, money, leisure time, in-laws, friends and personality. And if you discover that some big differences exist, slow the dating process down enough to permit both of you to consider these differences prayerfully and respectfully. This strategy will have a decidedly positive impact on your future well-being. And if it’s God’s will that you marry, this strategy will also have made a positive impact on your future marriage. Admittedly, this may be very difficult, especially if you’ve bonded emotionally with one another, and the hormones and the neuropeptides are flowing. But unless you’re honest with yourself, you may become a victim of the following old adage: “What love conceals, time will reveal.” In other words, after the romance has worn off, and reality sets in after a few years, you may be in for a rude awakening unless you’ve both been honest about your differences and reached some mutually satisfying understandings prior to marriage.

A void Compromising Your Beliefs

You are what you believe. So, you shouldn’t compromise your core values. I have met far too many couples who compromised what they believed to please their partner, or extended family member, only to regret this decision after marriage. So, be honest with yourself, and don’t compromise your core values and belief system. For example, if getting married and raising your children in the Greek Orthodox Church is important to you, don’t compromise this personal need. Those who have these needs, and fail to get on the same page with their dating partner, compromising what they desire and believe, almost always regret doing so. And worse than the regret are the residual feelings of anger and resentment which follow. These feelings usually end up poisoning marital satisfaction and family stability.

The Importance of Religion, Culture, Race and Class

Closely related to this last suggestion, my research with inter-Christianand intercultural couples has shown me that many dating partners fail to consider the impact that religion, culture, race and class have on one’s core values. However, the bottom line is that these factors have a significant impact on the way we see the world. Therefore, if you have a high connection to your religious and/or cultural background, you and your dating partner should spend some extra time taking about your differences, similarities and future expectations regarding the type of marriage and family life you’d like to cultivate. This also applies to race and class. If you come from different racial or class backgrounds, these differences can often have strong influences on how you interpret the world. I remember a young lady recently making the following observation after I made of these exact points, “Father Charles, I thoroughly agree. We had a clear understanding before marriage. I wanted him to know that I couldn’t consider marriage with him unless he was willing to raise our children in the Greek Orthodox Church. Without this commitment, I just couldn’t have become more serious with him”

What are Your Definitions of Marriage and Divorce?

I’m afraid that members of the “X” Generation are less likely than previous generations to have a Christ-centered perspective of marriage, primarily because of the postmodern, post-Christian world in which they’ve been raised. So, if you desire to foster a Christ-centered marriage and family life, spend some quality time getting to know your dating partner’s perspective of marriage, family and divorce. If your dating partner’s perspective is sufficiently different than your own, you should prayerfully think long and hard about the consequences of marrying someone who has a different definition of marriage, family and divorce than your own. To do otherwise will likely position you to experience chronic disappointment and marital strife.